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16 October ~ 2007

Tracy, the woman I dated in September, was at the Rose Saturday night, leaning against the rail. She was the one who said she wasn't interested in a relationship with anybody. My daughter Alyssa interpreted that for me: "She doesnt like you."

Damn I date dating. It seems like when I do my stable, simple life begins a slide into chaos and uncertainty. Is it because I don't have a lot of practice at it, never having dated much when I was young, then having been married most of my adult life?

Yeah, maybe it's due to my inexperienced heart, or so I would like to believe. My daughter Amy had a different take on it, that still makes me laugh: "you are ugly and have food in your moustache. The End."

It felt weird in there. The dance hall which is normally infused with celebration and happiness and freedom suddenly seemed a lot smaller, more closed in. I wasn't the relaxed, happy go lucky person that I usually am on Saturday nights. It felt tense.

I've been going to this place since the early 90's, and the week doesnt seem complete until I end it in there. The emotional energy of Saturday night is concentrated in three places - up on the stage, where they have a new live band every week, out on the dance floor, with couples circling counterclockwise in the triple or twostep, moving around line dancers or swing dancers in the center, and out by the bar, where people stand close and talk and flirt.

There are worn hardwood floors throughout the place, and wooden rails surrounding the dance floor. The small circular tables and chairs are made of stained pine. In the back is a mechanical bull which doesnt get used much except by parties of drunk ladies, or at stock show time, when the pro bullriders come in, who are usually very short. Another set of rails goes along the DJ both on the east side, and over on the west at the back are four 10 inch by 10 inch wood pillars from the floor to the ceiling. The second one from the north is loose, and used to make me jump when it gave as I leaned against it. I go over to the others and put my shoulder against them.

Neon signs are on most of the walls - Budweiser, Coors, the Grizzly Rose. In the back by the food grill are scores of pictures of the country artists that have played here, including Chris Ledoux (every January), Merl Haggard, Waylon Jennings, Garth Brooks, Willie Nelson, Patty Loveless and Tim Mcgraw. George Thorogood has played the Rose, as well as the Ozark Mountain Daredevils, Carlene Carter and Brooks and Dunn. Patty Loveless reached out and high fived me at the break of the lyrics of 'That Kind of Girl.' Carlene Carter asked who is in love? - a young couple yelled out. Not too many of the old married couples did, which reveals how love changes over the years, from passionate love to companionate love. It seemed like Waylon Jennings and Jesse Coulter were still in love, an old kind of love.

It feels good going to a place where you recognize many of the people, even though you don't know their names. I rarely talk to any of the men, but have a silent respect for them, as they do for me. I am more friendly with the ladies, and often go home with the scent of their perfume on my chest and on my hands. The ladies know me as one who likes to move quickly around the floor, which is more athletic and fun than going slow. I also love an easy triple step, or a waltz, now and again, which is relaxing and romantic.

I am comfortable with the solitude I find along the rail by the DJ booth, or leaning against the posts, and I am a fixture back there. It's where I get my bearings, and wait for the band to play a song that I will feel like asking another lady to dance to.

Early in the evening as I circled the floor with a friend, I told her about Tracy, and what she said about not wanting a relationship, and that I need to ask her to dance so that I can relax and have a good night.

Explaining it like that got me moving, and Tracy said she would like to dance. The mysterious woman who has been on my mind a lot lately was suddenly in my arms, and we were holding hands. I asked about her son and daughter, and how she has been doing. We caught up, and I was reminded why I couldn't help but think about spending more time with her a month ago. She is gentle and attractive, and we talk easily.

We danced another dance, and then chatted some more at the edge of the floor. I said thanks, and so did she, and i walked to the other side of the hall.

Afterwards I updated my friend on what was going on. "It seems a little sad," I said, "because we get along well and she is such a sweet person." My friend told me about how she broke off a relationship once early on and realized she made a big mistake later. She said just be kind to her, you don't know what is going to happen.

Nice of her to say that. My friend would like to date but I know it wouldn't work out. I don't feel a spark for her, the thing that takes you by surprise, and grabs your heart; More than likely the same thing that Tracy doesnt feel for me.

I had a passionate and exciting night, the kind that makes me realize I have a rich life. I don't think I ever want to date anyone from this dance hall again, because of how it changes the chemistry of the place. What really matters is the joy I have with all my lady partners every Saturday, embracing them as we move in step to the music, leading them into a spin or turn, and continuing around the floor. i understand how special it is, and not something that is to be taken for granted. The community and celebration in this old dance hall are not common.

I didn't stay as late as I normally do, not wanting to show off all the fun I was having with the other women. Tracy was still leaning against the rail, by herself as I was on the way out. I hesitated with my coat in hand, trying to decide if I wanted to ask her to dance again.

I left.

It will work out fine. In a few days will go up to the wilderness with my dogs and get lost in the solitude and beauty that has colored my life for so long.

What is always in the back of my mind when I start thinking about women is the certainty that they will not value how I feel about wilderness and the freedom of timberline, at least not to the extent I do. Without even trying they will pull me away from it all, and I would have trouble reconciling with that.

It's something I don't have to worry about for now.