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3 May ~2008

My Toyota pickup needed some work, so instead of going to Horse Rescue today I dropped it off at the dealer, and took my bicycle and the bus down south to work some overtime.  We are very busy right now, and I am planning on taking off in a week to head to Western Colorado, so wanted to get ahead on what needs to be done.

There were a lot of Saturday riders on the bus, which I am sure has to do with gas being $3.50 a gallon around here.  A little girl with her Mom in the seat in front of me was taking in everything, and thoroughly enjoying the ride.  A few miles later a young lady that favored black sat across the isle.  I was sleepy and laid my head against the window and tried to take a nap.


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Taking the bus can make the city commute an adventure.  Its nice to have the bicycle along, so the walk when you get off is not so long.  That's risky in the summer though, because each bus can only hold two bicycles.  If the bus driver is kind he will let you take your bicycle in the back door when the front racks are full.  That's what happened early this morning.

When I finally got home I immediately took Ben and Maggie out for a walk along the river.  This might be Maggie's last walk for a while, because of her surgery on Monday.  I have been tempted to ask the vet to delay her surgery until fall, since she walks so well once her leg is warmed up, .  In researching it however,  I found that walking on an injured ACL is a good way to develop severe arthritis in old age, whether you are a dog or a human.  So she will have the surgery as planned.

The trees along the river are coming out with their new green leaves.  The ones in the grove of eleven cottonwoods are a little slower, still a day or two away.  I love this time of year, with white plum blossoms backed by new light green foliage.  Its enough to make you forget that you are not exactly young.  Old physically means nothing when you have a young spirit, and thats exactly what you get by walking in springtime - a heart like the season.

Yesterday at free write Tama gave us an interesting prompt - write about something that only happened once in your life.  

The whole idea of free writing is that you just put down whatever comes to your head, and keep your pen moving - no thinking or editing.

What wrote itself on my page was something that happened 33 years ago - and I am almost embarassed about it.  (when am I going to let this go?).  I talked to a friend about it last night and she said you are preventing yourself from moving on, by thinking too much about what is over and done.  I had to admit she was right, and acknowledged how  safe and convenient it is to be in love with a memory, especially when you value your freedom and independence.  A memory doesnt require anything of you.  You can still go up to the hills anytime you want, for as long as you want.  You can stay at the dance hall until 2am if you desire, and a memory never gets upset when you dance with all the young athletic pretty ladies on Saturday Night.  

But I am not sure my friend has it entirely right either - that I am ruining my life by not letting it all go.  Maybe I have just decided that I had one love, and although it is over now, perhaps that is enough for me, considering how old I am.   Another way to look at it is to not think about what might be missed now, but to be grateful for how rich life has been because of that one love.  

Anyway, here is what I wrote at the freewrite.

(from prompt 'only happened once in my life')

Time and circumstances have modified it some, as well as wealth and boredom,
but it is not much of a reach for me to remember what it was like, when somehow we met at my parent's house and wandered out to the empty field to the South.  We sat on the foundation of the ruined house, in the midst of green new season grass, and we talked, for hours

I can't recall anything of what we said, only that it was soft-spoken and tender.  I was 24 and my heart was taken - there was no question I was in love - a powerful and passionate love, reserved for the young.

 We dated from May through the summer and fall, and married in November.  We had two children and stayed married for 26 years.  I realize now I did myself a great favor by remaining kind and amicable when she wanted a divorce.

It allowed me to hold the memory of her in my heart with feelings very close to those I discovered for her on the May afternoon, 33 years ago.  I have given up trying to find love like that.  It will not happen again.


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